Kuba drag

[POTENTIAL WORKAROUND] AppStore not opening/crashing on app open

2020.11.18 23:58 TypoTime [POTENTIAL WORKAROUND] AppStore not opening/crashing on app open

Hey everyone, I know AltServer is having some issues. I let my certificate expire a few weeks ago and never got around to rejailbreaking. When I tried to use altserver to re-install unc0ver, I couldn’t get it to open— even after reinstalling via PC with a new signed certificate.
There seems to be a workaround that may benefit you.
  1. Search for sideloadly on google, you can download it thru Pangu8 or Kuba.
  2. Make sure both iTunes and iCloud are up to date and connect your phone to your PC.
  3. Download the .ipa file from unc0ver’s site, drag and drop it into Sideloadly
  4. Enter your AppleID and pass and verify if you have 2-factor authentication.
  5. Click start and wait for it to install unc0ver.
You should be able to jailbreak from here, and then install AltStore with the newly signed certificate. AltStore will open after the process above.
Hope this helped!!
submitted by TypoTime to AltStore [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 21:29 bythissignconquer "European Exceptionalism": Nazis Are Retards, Part 2

European exceptionalism

Africa (incl. Sub-Saharan) had large, enduring cities before colonialism

“So what? Several of the “cities” cited here have buildings made of sticks and mud! Some city.”

The Fertile Crescent a blessing to Mediterranean lands

Overview

Bringing cattle to the New World

Sub-Saharan Africa without farm cattle?

submitted by bythissignconquer to BasedCommieCopypasta [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 14:42 readingrachelx Housewife highlights/Daily shit talk - September 9th, 2020

submitted by readingrachelx to RHDiscussion [link] [comments]


2020.08.27 21:02 Grotesquette Episode 1, "Not Sorry Aboot It" [POLL]

Lights... Cameras.... Action!!!
u/Grotesquette struts the runway
u/Grotesquette: Welcome to the mainstage of SDRDR Season 6! International style icon Rupertonian, why aren't you working on my new gown?!
u/Rupertonian: I'm sorry mistress. I've been busy!
u/Grotesquette: Mhm. Winner of AS3, Spencerietta! How's royal life treating you?
u/Spencerietta: Pretty good. Just went to Starbisha and ordered a whole pumpkin. :)
u/Grotesquette: I bet you did. And winner of S2, whodat! How does it feel to be judging again?
u/-_-whodat: Overwhelmed overworked overpaid I'm on top of the world, sittin' pretty on a stack but the static still cracks in my veins. At the bottom of the universe, I'm feeling all the weight.
u/Grotesquette: Great to hear! And finally, SDRDR legend, icon, and cryptid u/KatyaIsMyBestFriend!
u/KatyaIsMyBestFriend: Who let the dogs out?! I did!!! There were 101 of them in my basement. The feds busted me. Who cares?!
u/Grotesquette: Tonight on the mainstage, I challenged my queens to write and perform their own rap tracks to the new hit song, "Not Sorry Aboot It". And tonight on the runway, category is Celebrity Skin! Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines! And may the best woman... Win!
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Sorry, not sorry Sorry, I'm not so-o-rry Sorry, you won't make me apologise And I'm not sorry aboot it
u/ShashaShtan
Bow to me, the one and only Swinging in hard, just call me Miley OG fish, wanna come for me? Take it down, you’ll be dead, a zombie Step back, rap attack, BQ is a hoe Grumpy ass clown, Pennywise said Hey Troll All you gays be lazy lazy Crown is mine get crazy crazy!
u/Starrrupt
Everywhere I look I see a weak cast Everytime I bend, men stop and they crash Everything y’all do, puts you in dead last Everywhere they go, people always talk about this ass It must suck to go home so fucking fast! Ha ha ha, fucking crown me!
u/FreeWill310
The name is Freewill All tea, will be spilled THEE shady bitch These reads go in for the kill, They won’t try me Cause i do it brutally Both Ruppi and Grot Will be crowning Free B-Q-B-Q You loud mouth cheap screw Passed around town Call that bussy Loosey-Loo Aassassinate these queens You know that he will B-Q-B-Q Death by free will!
u/Swish_17
You got Swishy on the mic, she’s the winner in the house. No no no, all tits, no blouse Hoes think they neat with verses like these... Chile, Swish the only queen who came to compete Fix your looks, They looking real cheap While I sit back and remain on fleek Time to win, y’all can’t catch meeee Bitch, ha, I see you gagging!
Sorry, not sorrySorry (Uh-uh), I'm not so-o-rry (Oh no!)Sorry, you won't make me apologiseAnd I'm not sorry aboot it (Aboot it)
Suddenly, Maritess slides onto stage on a pair of roller skates. She rams her body into Swish, who goes flying offstage. She then lands into a jump split and begins rapping.
u/MaritessTroper
Mari needs a Mai Tai Then, I catch a flight to Dubai I'm so skinny they wanna spite-spite They can fight me but it's a nein-nein Miss Micronesia or Miss Alopecia Got "Mixed" up, that's fuel to the flame Shasha, Flopula is your only reign Half loser, Half lucifer, now I'm antigay!
u/BtQw3
I ain’t got to beat nobody All these slops gon' quit this hobby See me coming BQ in the top Micro bottom? Get the chop! Chop! Chop! My bullets gonna pop! Shot! Shot! Bout to kill these flops! Bots! Bots! Won’t help, so stop! Oop Kuba's alt just been caught!
u/StrawPedro
Everybody drops the ball sometimes but I don't Everybody looks a mess at times but I don't All of them weak verses flop but I don't All of them need padded hips but I don't How y'all went home is not my problem Butch Queen, Starrupt be in the bottom Move into your head to flood your basement Slaying these hoes till they all forgotten
u/Frandiohh
Team PEDO Wait i forgot the R oh nooooo Don’t come a little closer That bulge is getting a lot fatteeeer 911 please come Were gonna send their ass back home
u/Micronesiarain
You want a kiss? Better pucker your lips BQ took a shot but we saw she missed Fall in line, while I count to 3 This crown belongs to me Shade queen, I’m spillin’ tea Crazy ass bitch, stan Jujubee! Go and check the mirror, what you see? Came to win, that’s a guarantee!
u/my-pronouns-are-she
Hi I am a female and I go by she, she Despite my gender I can guarantee, tee That I'm the one, I'm not a bust, Looking at these other girls they'll be gone by dust It's me, myself and I, winning all the challenges The others, hella challenged!
Sorry (Sorry), not sorry (Hey, hey) Sorry (Sorry), I'm not so-o-rry (Oh no!) Sorry (Sorry), you won't make me apologise And I'm not sorry aboot it (Oh no) Sorry (Sorry), not sorry (Sorry) Sorry (Uh-uh), I'm not so-o-rry (No, oh no) Sorry, you won't make me apologise (Oh no, no) And I'm not sorry aboot it
The performance ends and all the girls pose. The judges all erupt in applause for the girls.
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🎶 We Don't Stop, Until Mascara's on the Dancefloor

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Grotesquette: First up, it's u/Swish_17!
u/Swish_17: My runway is inspired by Michelle Yeoh, a Malaysian actress who showed young girls that making it big isn’t about beauty or appearance, but it’s about kicking ass and being in a bond movie that gets you going places
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Grotesquette: Up next, it's u/Frandiohh!
u/Frandiohh: So for this runway I am serving you vintage icon Naomi Campbell on the runway, Regal, eloguent, bitch I'm IT. She is THE only celebrity we wanted to be. I keep strutting down and then BAM, celebrity Skin. The hair is sickening, the skin is oiled, The lips are pumped, Crown it
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Grotesquette: Hey losers, it's u/MaritessTrosper!
u/MaritessTrosper: My celebrity skin look is inspired by everything I’m not! You wanna ask why? Ok why am I not blonde? Because I’m Asian!
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Grotesquette: Vote for u/StrawPedro!
u/StrawPedro: I knew the other girls were going to come out with glistening nightgowns so my outfit is going to be a breath of fresh air on the runway. My outfit is inspired by Constance Wu, the lead actress of blockbuster movie “Crazy Rich Asian”. Her portrayal of a self-sufficient lady in the movie really set a great example for femininity. I chose this look because this is a successful woman dressing for herself, not for anybody else. Especially not for some thirsty-ass chaser menses! I’m giving you a little bit of harajuku, and a little bit of “la casa de las Flores” . This look is a perfect marriage of my asian and Latina roots
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Grotesquette: Up next, it's u/FreeWill310!
u/FreeWill310: My runway is an homage to Amber Rose. I identify with her because she advocates for the liberation of female sex workers. I fight for many causes even those that are taboo. I am greatly inspired by women who fight for t hose with a voice, or whom are shunned by society
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Grotesquette: Who is she? Exactly! It's u/my-pronouns-are-she!
u/my-pronouns-are-she: For This weeks runway, I am wearing a long black lingerie robe with the words cancelled on it. in order to be a real celebrity you have to get in at least one situation that gets people on twitter offended and throw a "___ is over party
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Grotesquette: Up next, it's u/Micronesiarain!
u/Micronesiarain: When I think of a celebrity that I resonate with, the only choice is miss Naomi Campbell. She’s smart, confident, and knows exactly what she wants. After a long day of fighting the coronavirus and keeping it safe, it’s time to bring the danger. unzips hazmat suit to reveal second look. I’m taking my time strutting down the runway, letting the judges soak in all of this chocolate beauty. I need to make it clear that I’m the one to watch. ;)
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Grotesquette: Hey, hey, hey! It's u/ShashaShtan!
u/ShashaShtan: One of my favourite celebs of all time is THE Jessie J. She's such a fierce fucking bitch, so I've decided to come out with a look inspired by her 'Do it like a Dude video". I'm serving fashion, pussy, and absolute perfection. Y'all aint even ready
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Grotesquette: Next up, it's u/BtQw3!
u/BtQw3: Damn I look good. Queen taught the world How To Get Away With Murder and imma put it in practice. In honour of the diva herself I have come with my fiercest don't give a fuck attitude, the confidence to eliminate every bitch here and the power to do it all whist looking like I was sent from the heavens. Name a bitch who can serve it like us. I'll wait.
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Grotesquette: Last but not least, u/Starrrupt!
u/Starrrupt: The celebrity that I resonate the most with is Miss Lana Del Rey, prior to her pig fucking days. And just like the lusty life icon herself, my pussy tastes like Pepsi-cola too, (with a hint of cyanide)
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🎶 Joan of Arc Is on the Dance Floor

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u/Grotesquette: Welcome ladies. Now when I call your name, please step forward.

u/Swish_17

u/BtQw3

You are safe. Please step to the back of the stage.
Swish sighs with relief, and wobbles offstage. Her knee is slightly injured from the actions of Maritess during the rap challenge. BQ eyes Swish's actions with a smirk, before following her to the back of the stage.
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The rest of you represent the tops and bottoms of the week. Now let's begin with the judges' critiques, starting with... u/ShashaShtan!
Rupertonian: Shasha Shasha Shasha, as always knocked it right off the bat. You know I was gonna critique you, and I will keep my critique as I have kept it with you in the past. Your verse was incredible. It flowed so well, and told everything about you without you needing to go out of your way to seem like a try hard. It had this cool confidence about it, which shows the winner quality that you carry, even though most people not say it. I enjoyed your performance, there’s no doubt that verses and performance is your strong suit and it showed. Runways, I always expect the best from you but tonight, not my favourite. Very odd choice to pick Jessie J, and that’s already slim pickings when you pick her, but you did what you could, it’s beautiful, but I expect more. Overall, it’s an incredible night for you.
whodat: Shasha you impressed me a lot this challenge ! Your verse had a great flow and the lyrics were fun and witty, you definitely ticked every box with the verse. And your runway, I personally enjoyed your runway, I appreciate the less obvious celebrity choice and sleek vibe of the look; however I’m not sure it entirely screamed Jessie J to me. But overall a strong night
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Moving onto u/MaritessTrosper!
Grotesquette: I honestly didn't know what to expect of you in this challenge. And holy shit am I pleasantly surprised. When you pushed Swish off of the stage roller derby style just so you could do the jump splits?! Unnecessarily violent and rude? Definitely. Winner energy? Absolutely. Your verse was so well written. You really showed us exactly what kind of queen you are, and I'm absolutely loving it. Keep up the good work.
Spencerietta: I’m not gonna lie, I had some mixed feelings about the runway because I know Kacey Musgraves, she’s actually ex-oomf, and she’s definitely had some more elevated looks than the one you chose to replicate tonight. However, it is still a well-presented runway and what I really wanna talk about is the song, because your performance tonight… Wow. You were so campy and fun, I was absolutely dying when you pushed Swish off the stage just to land in that jump split, and in your verse you made sure to hit every single syllable. You clearly know yourself and your brand, and just from one performance, now we do too, which is the key to succeeding in this competition. Incredible work tonight, Maritess
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Up next, u/Frandiohh!
whodat: Your verse opened very strong, the first line I found entertaining. However after that it fizzled, both in terms of lyrics and rhythm. And I appreciate that you had a harder verse to work with, but so did starr and she made it work. And on the runway, you looked great but I do think it sadly paled in comparison to micro who pulled off a more unique and personal take on Naomi.
Rupertonian: Hi hi, Fran! I know Rita’s a hard choice to do. It’s damn difficult. Rita and Ilona’s both. But, your verse just kinda was, off? That’s the only way I can put it. The verse flowed in an awkward way and I get that it’s hard to do so much with so little, and you did do something with the beginning but it just lost it’s flow at the end. I will commend you for making a boring verse into something slightly more interesting. Your runway, hmm. I see Micro has the same celebrity, and she did in fact do it better by putting her own twist in it. I’m not a fan of the cop out of like, “Oh, I’m dressed, oop I’m naked” it’s a really, almost lazy, way of doing it. It’s beautiful, but you gotta go above and beyond.
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Moving onto u/Micronesiarain!
Spencerietta: Hello Micro, welcome back from the Lost Season. You and I have gotten to know each other recently but I want to be clear that I am not afraid to go in on you with the judging this season. That being said, I honestly don’t have much to critique here tonight. Your verse was cute and hit each beat, and it’s nice to see that level of confidence heading into the competition. However, the highlight for me was by far your runway. You put the camp in Naomi Campbell with the little nod to the virus and the reveal. Was the second look a little underwhelming? Sure, but you sold it with the presentation. Overall a solid effort from you tonight, Miss Micro.
whodat: I think this verse deserves so much credit, it has great rhythm and flows so well and the lyrics are perfect for the challenge: witty and fun. And your runway was such a unique and comedic take that 100% payed off, as underneath the campy first look was an absolutely stunning reveal. You impressed me this week micro!
KatyaIsMyBestFriend: I'm so excited to see my dear dorter Micro retu- competing for the first time. And what a premiere that was for you! The runway look was great and a very current idea that matches today's climate. A brainy queen indeed! Your verse was also very impressive especially considering you got Jimbo of all people however I have a personal challenge for you. Try to find a brand and showcase yourself more cause some of the lyrics were a bit basic. You know, you remind me of a young Katyaismybestfriend competing for the first time. I suggest you read my new memoir http://imgur.com/a/teKElL7 so you learn how to manipulate people into thinking you evolved like mama does
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Next up, u/StrawPedro!
Rupertonian: Aw, Straw. I have a soft spot for you, because your type of drag is just so incredible. Your runway made me chuckle, and it’s just such a departure from what everyone else is doing in terms of runways, and at the same time not so kitschy to the point where it’s not runway material anymore. I see your type of drag, and your brand and you do that well. Where you slipped up, was the verse. It started off so strong, but then you stumbled towards the end as the syllables and rhymes were off so it came off clunky. Usually, I would give you a pass but since everyone else did so strong I have to nitpick. But, I see you have potential, you just gotta look at the detail.
Grotesquette: Tonight unfortunately wasn't a very strong showing from you. Your runway was fun, and I could see what you were going for. But there's a way to execute camp and comedy in a way that it's still elevated and high fashion. For example, your entrance look was really campy and hilarious but still over the top and draggy. Furthermore, your verse was sort of a disappointment. I feel like you didn't plug in a ton of your personality, and it was also clunky and a little strangely phrased. I'm really rooting for you in this competition Pedro, so I hope you take these critiques and apply them if you're to remain here next week.
KatyaIsMyBestFriend: Pedro! I really liked you from the promo and was really rooting for you. Sadly the verse was such a disappointment...The syllables didn't match and your jokes were very generic and they didn't really show who you are. The runway I find adorable albeit a bit pedestrian.
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Up next, u/my-pronouns-are-she!
Spencerietta: Tonight, the overall presentation was a little sloppy for me. You were either adding too many or completely subtracting syllables and that made it difficult to enjoy the actual song and performance. As for the runway, I love love love the concept but I hate hate hate the execution. There’s ways to do kitschy looks like this without it coming across as lazy. You’re clearly a funny girl and I know you have it in you to really wow us, so I’d like to see that next week.
Grotesquette: I have to agree with Spencie. Your runway was a lot of fun, but it's a concept that could've been executed more seamlessly. Graphic design doesn't necessarily have to be your passion but the outfit could've matched the concept, and you could've added more to fully take us there. I really wanted to like your verse, and at first I did. But the more I read it, I realized the syllable count was very off compared to the original verse, which is one of the most important parts of a verse challenge. But I know you have what it takes to improve upon these things, so I still have faith in you girl.
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Next up, u/Starrrupt!
Grotesquette: You came into this competition with unshakable confidence. And after your runway and performance, I am absolutely GOBSMACKED. MARVELOUS DARLING, SIMPLY MARVELOUS. DING DONG!!! This runway is beautiful, editorial, and clearly reads as a specific celebrity. I also like that you pointed out your celebrity is a pig fucker, because... Tea. Your verse is perfect, and gives me all of the winner energy I was looking for tonight. Starr, this was... Major.
whodat: You definitely pulled out all the stops this challenge! Being given the verse that I know a lot of people didn’t want yet still managing to perform well is super impressive, and the runway was both campy and pretty. Very strong first challenge for you starr, keep it up!
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Finally, u/FreeWill310!
Spencerietta: I’m gonna start with the bad and get to the good. Tonight you fell flat for me on the runway. I want you to look over at Micro; that’s a simple outfit but what elevated it was her presentation. If you’re gonna give us a simple runway, a little edge to the presentation can completely change our opinions on it. However, I can excuse my displeasure with the runway because your verse tonight was so. much. fun. I could just tell you enjoyed yourself while writing it and taking those playful jabs at BQ definitely had me laughing. You said you do it brutally and girl you were right. I’m excited to see what you’ll bring in the competition to come!
Rupertonian: Ohhhhhhh Free. You were so close, me saying these critiques genuinely makes me sad. As soon as your verse began, I knew I had my winner. To the point, when I saw your verse, I didn’t even think you had Boa, I thought you had created your own verse. And, that’s what’s incredible. Your reads, jesus christ. Loosey Goosey, took me the fuck out. Your entire verse flowed, and did so well. Aaaaaaand, then the ball was dropped, yikes. Amber Rose, is an icon, obviously. She has so many good looks. But, whyyyy?? Why did you pick this one out of ALL of them? It’s such a bizarre choice. I get that it’s in reference to drag race, but that’s pretty much all that’s good. So please, you really have to up your runways, because that’s the thing that held you back from getting to the end point this challenge.
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Grotesquette: Now, based on the judges' critiques, I have made some decisions.

u/StrawPedro

You're safe

u/MicronesiaRain and u/ShashaShtan

You are also safe

u/FreeWill310 and u/Frandiohh You're safe as well

u/my-pronouns-are-she and u/StrawPedro

.....You two are also safe.

That means, u/MaritessTrosper and u/Starrupt

You are the top 2 queens of the week.

The girls all gasp in shock. Starr and Maritess look at each other in happiness.

That's right, nobody is going home tonight! However... There can only be one winner. Maritess and Starr, you must both lip sync for the first win of the season, and a cash tip of 10,000! Good luck... And don't fuck it up!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Who should win the lip sync? Vote here! Voting closes soon.

submitted by Grotesquette to xtinadragrace [link] [comments]


2020.08.25 02:13 Grotesquette Episode 1, "Not Sorry Aboot It" [SPECIAL 15 MINUTE PREVIEW]

Season 6 was right around the corner....

Until it wasn't. But now, regular seasons are back with a vengeance. With an all new cast of girls, ready to fight tooth and nail for the crown, and a place in SDRDR herstory.

Which girl will be the Apex Predator???

SDRDR Season 6

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
🎶 High energy house music
u/starrrupt enters the werk room in her entrance look.
She twirls, and poses for the cameras. "Lemme win this before my meds wear off and I realize that I’m doing an online competition with a bunch of fags."
Talking Head: u/starrrupt, " Hi, I’m u/starrrupt. No relations to Jeffree Star. Or u/Rupertonian, because unlike them I’m getting to the top without being a racist, or coasting. My style of drag is very minimalist but still high fashion and trendy. I’ve watched this show since the moment it came out, and I know for a fact that I’m not gonna have competition on my way to the top. I will fully stiletto kick these junky whores to get that crown and nothing is standing in my way."
u/Starrrupt sits on the werk room table and flips her hair, glancing at one of the cameras and sticking her tongue out. "Take a picture it'll last longer" she smirks, cold confidence gleaming in her eyes.
🎶 Upbeat 2000's pop music
u/ShashaStan enters the werk room in her entrance look.
She gasps, before saying "Sharpay? More like sharSLAYYYYY !"
Still on the table, Starr laughs as she rolls her eyes.
Talking Head: u/ShashaStan, "Whats up y'all its Nicki Minaj shashashtan. You may know me as the Fagula 2 champ, or you may know me as the AS3 flop. either way, y'all better be scared."
Shasha walks over to Starr who opens her arms out for a hug.
"How are you diva?" Shasha laughs.
"I sort of expected to see you here. When I saw you come through that werk room door, I was like 'Oh shit.'" Starr admits.
"Yeah, well let's hope things go better than.... Last time." Shasha grimaces.
Talking Head: u/ShashaStan "AS3 was my first season of SDRDR. I won the first episode, and was eliminated on the second. So I was there for all of 2 minutes. So doing a cut and chase standard season of SDRDR is gonna be a new experience for me. But I already know I'm gonna be kicking ass and taking names!"
🎶 Electronic makossa music
u/Frandiohh enters the werk room in her entrance look.
"Crown IT!"
Talking Head: u/Frandiohh, " Hey sub my name is Frandioh with 2 h's but you call me Fran I am originally from Cameroooooon, land of Bebe Zahara Benet, fried dicks and big chicken. I am the known as the dancing diva of Cameroon...sike I describe my aesthetic as the 3 p's Polished, Pan African, and fucking Pussy. I love fashion, specifically African fashion fantasy and here to rep my people I'm going to win because I'm that B-I-C-T-H!"
Frand walks over to the other girls. "How are we doing ladies?" She asks, smiling.
"Good now that I've gotten a look at you!" Starr responds, causing the two to laugh.
"So what type of drag do you do?" Shasha enquires.
Frand ponders for a minute, before replying "I'm definitely known for my looks within my hometown drag scene. I think I have a specific pan-afro futuristic sensibility that's caused me to become really successful within the industry."
Talking Head: u/starrrupt, "From what I've heard about Frandiohh, she's a fierce as queen who can turn some sickening looks. I'm kind of impressed.... But not that impressed."
🎶 National anthem
u/FreeWill310 enters the werk room in her entrance look.
An evil smile begins to creep up on Free's face as she says "Let's Make America Native Again!"
Shasha gulps. "When I said, 'Scalp me Mom', I didn't mean it literally!"
Talking Head: u/FreeWill310 " I am the queen named Freewill. My name is actually short for Freedom Willowtree, but I had to shorten it so that my ex-husbands can’t find me. My drag is personal, my drag is political, my drag has a purpose. Don’t worry though, sometimes just being a hot slut is purpose enough. I’m different from these other queens in a lot of ways, but mostly because I am one-of-a-kind. The only thing these other queens need to know about me is that I don’t just fight for causes. I fight bitches too."
The other girls crowd around Free and introduce themselves.
"So, I don't think we've met yet" Frand asks. "Who are you as a competitor?"
Free replies, "I'm a reference queen. Through my looks I'm usually telling a personal story or making a political statement. I'm not really a fashion girl."
Starr sneers. "Yeah... We can tell."
The shade rattle noise plays as Frand and Shasha laugh.
Talking Head: u/FreeWill310 "I'm a small town queen, so I'm not surprised the queens are underestimating me. However, that's gonna end up being the biggest mistake of their lives. Period."
🎶 Sinister music
u/BtQw3 enters the werk room in her entrance look as the other girls gasp in shock.
BQ twirls, and winks. "Guess It’s time to resume filming!"
Talking Head: u/BtQw3, " Yes I'm back from the dead. The SOLE survivor from the wildfire that ravaged the xtinapresents studios last time. I was robbed of the crown due to some messy bitches blowing it up but it's okay because I was smart and ordered drag insurance from WOW Shopping Network so I’m back AND I got a free pass to at least episode 5...
It's not real? I KNEW KUBA WAS LYING! "
The other girls are completely gagged as BQ walks over to them. "Thought you'd seen the last of me, huh?" BQ smirks.
"Bitch, I really thought you had died in that fire" FreeWill laughs.
"Yeah, I sort of wish you had." Shasha pouts.
BQ rolls her eyes, flipping her long brazillian yaki. "Well you can't keep a good bitch down, huh?"
Talking Head: u/Frandiohh, "On the lost season BQ was known for stirring the pot. So as soon as she walked in I was like, 'Oh shit. We're about to have drama the house down boots, baby!'"
🎶 Upbeat taiwanese dance music
u/Swish_17 enters the werk room in her entrance look.
"I didn't come to win..."
She turns around and poses, showing some sweet ass.
"I came to be a robbed fifth place."
The other girls burst out laughing.
Talking Head: u/Swish_17 " Hi everyone, I’m Swish and I’m adorable. I’ve come here to show everyone foreign drag, and that there is so much representation that is owed to the other franchises. I’m gonna show these girls what Thailand drag is all about, and that drag isn’t all American✨”
Swish sees Free and screams, and the to run over and hug each other.
"I can't believe you're here you fucking bitch!" Swish cackles.
Talking Head: u/FreeWill310 "Swish is a household name where I'm from. She and I have worked together so many times, and I know she can turn it the fuck out so she's one to watch out for!"
🎶 Electronic dance pop
u/my-pronouns-are-she enters the werk room in her entrance look.
"It's my world, and you're rotting in it!" She says, before laughing darkly.
Talking Head: u/my-pronouns-are-she, " Hello! I'm u/my_pronouns_are_she and I'm your femme witch from the north! I'm here to prove the world that anyone can excell, despite your race, gender, or sexual orientation! I'm really excited to see the rest of these bitches. I already know they're not expecting much from me, and I can not wait to prove them wrong! even if it means i have to cast a few spells on them." chuckles darkly
"Ohhhh she's a spooky queen..." Star murmurs as she approaches the girls.
"I love this look girl, giving me modern Morticia Adams!" Free exclaims.
Pronouns rolls her eyes. "Oh please. Morticia could never." The other contestants laugh as the shade rattle noise plays.
Talking Head: u/ShashaStan, "Pronouns seems a little aloof, which can rub the other girls the wrong way. It's like she thinks she's too good to be here. I hope she proves me wrong, but as of now she irks me a little."
🎶 Circus music
u/StrawPedro enters the werk room in her entrance look.
Swish rolls her eyes laughing. "I cannot STAND this puta!"
Pedro twirls, and poses. "Take a sip of this StrawPedro juice!"
Talking Head u/StrawPedro, "I am Strawpedro and I am 26 yr, from Vancouver, Canada. I am Asian but part latino, so that means I'm the fish of the season Well I am just showing my versatility with this look okay? I can do fish , I can do camp, I can do high fashion, I can go glamazon... you'll never know what you get each time and that is my brand! I think the girls are treating me as a clown right now... but we all know it ain't a bad thing being the clown of the season."
Straw runs over to Free and Swish who all laugh and embrace.
"I can't believe we all got on?!" Swish giggles.
"Why did you lying skanks tell me you weren't auditioning?!" Straw roars.
The three settle down, and join the other girls.
"So Pedro...." BQ begins. "What is this look supposed to be?"
Pedro laughs. "I just threw on a bunch of shit and called it a day."
Talking Head: u/BtQw3, "I'm not quite sure why I walked in wearing dior while other girls are walking in wearing rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronic suits. Like... Hello sir, are you lost?"
🎶 Heavy electric guitar riffs
u/MaritessTroper enters the werk room in her entrance look.
"YOU DON'T LIKE ME? SHUT YOUR BIG VAGINA MOUTH!!!"
u/TalkingHead, " I am Maritess Trosper all the way from the streets of Tampa, Florida! I am known for my YouTube videos that made me a viral superstar with LGBT following. I can act, sing, dance, and even do voice acting for anime, NICO NICO NII ! Watch out for my new TV special, iGo to Japan, where I go to Japan!"
Maritess walks over to the girls. "Hey losers" She smirks.
"Um... Hi?" Pedro replies.
"What was that?! Speak up! You're a man after all!" Maritess roars, cackling loudly.
Talking Head: u/my-pronouns-are-she, "Maritess rubs a lot of the girls the wrong way... Mainly because she's a republican. Why the fuck was she allowed on? Like, they made us all take a mental health test. Did she cheat or something?"
🎶 Good Juju Vol. 1
u/Micronesiarain enters the werk room in her entrance look.
The other girls scream in shock as they see who it is.
"Oh my God..." Starr gasps. "Is that THE Micronesiarain?!"
Micro stops in front of the cameras and poses. "I’m black from the dead bitches!"
The other girls all cheer in joy.
Talking Head: u/Micronesiarain, "Hi, my name is micronesiarain and you may remember me from the original season 6, also known as “the lost season”. My experience last time was cut short due to matters out of my control, so this is my chance to finish what I started and show people that I have what it takes to earn the crown!"
BQ runs over to Micro and hugs her. "My sister from the lost season!" Micro laughs.
Talking Head: u/BtQw3, "Oh, she escaped... I thought I locked the door and the flames got to her. I mean, yay Micro's here!"
The other girls gather around Micro and admire her immaculate outfit, until they're suddenly interrupted.
Automoderator walks in. "Hello, hello, hello!"
He walks down the stairs as the other girls cheer.
"Welcome ladies. You ten represent the best in the best all throughout the spoiled drag race subreddit. I hand picked each and everyone of you because you've all shown the GRIP (Google, Rhymezone, Internet, and Pinterest) It takes to succeed in this competition. The winner of this competition will receive the title of u/SpoiledDragRace's next Drag Superstar!!! Along with a cash prize of 100,000 Robux!"
The other girls cheer in awe of the amazing prize.
"Tonight, each of you is going to write a verse to my new track, Not Sorry Aboot it! Your verse should tell us about who you are as a competitor, and don't be afraid to diss your competition along the way! Ladies and Gentleman, start your engines. And may the best woman.... WIN!"
The girls all begin to cheer before Automod interupts them.
"Wait, wait, wait... Hold up. I almost forgot. Tonight a special guest will be judging us. SDRDR icon, and runner up of AS3, u/KatyaIsMyBestFriend!!!"
The queens scream with joy and jump up and down.
Talking Head, u/ShashaStan, "I know Ketty, and she's a no nonsense type of queen. So in order to really impress her we need to turn this performance the fuck out!"
Automod: "And tonight on the runway category is, "Celebrity Skin!" Good luck, and don't fuck it up! Byeeeeeee!"
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

More coming soon!!!

submitted by Grotesquette to xtinadragrace [link] [comments]


2020.06.17 00:03 MikeyWit [CoC] Solo Investigator Pt. 2

I wanted to post another actual play since some people seemed to have dug it. This one isn't super exciting, but it continues the story and shows the gameplay. I hope you enjoy it, I hope it's not too long, and I love advice. Friday, September 10, 1920 9:30 AM Story direction: 25= Development Development: 38= roll on the random events table Random: 70= An NPC who has been helping you out has disappeared. Making inquiries, you can find no trace of him, no history, nothing. It is as if he never even existed. I’ve just returned from Harvey’s apartment. Or well it was Harvey’s apartment last night. I couldn’t sleep a wink and at dawn, I got dressed and made my way to Morningside. I stopped for a coffee and a quick bite, thinking it might temper my nervousness and give Harvey another hour of sleep. It was almost 7 when I rang his bell. He didn’t respond so I rang the super. I told the super that I was there to visit Harvey and The potbellied, bleary-eyed man assured me that, “a Harvey Walters doesn’t live here.” After some arguing, I convinced him to let me up to the apartment. He followed me and unlocked the door. The apartment was empty. NO furniture, no books. None of Harvey’s oddities and obscure art. No Harvey. Just an empty apartment. “How long has this place been empty?” I asked. “About 6 months. Before that, some lady and her dog lived here. Damn mutt tore up the floors.” Spot Hidden: failure. “So to be clear, Harvey Walters never lived here?” “Nope. I never met Harvey Walters. I never heard of Harvey Walters.” I was too shocked to respond and I just left and came back here. I looked through the phone book and his name isn’t even in it anymore. I don’t know what else to do, besides waiting for the phone to ring. Mythos Points: +2 Sanity: -1 1 PM Story direction: 40: development Development: 23: Roll on verbs table Verbs: 73: blast, 82: break, 56: beguile, 14: ambush In the late afternoon, my apartment felt too small. In less than a day I’d gained and lost my key to a magical secret. Not to mention the fact that a dear friend seems to never have existed. Unable to distract myself from maddening thoughts, I decided to beguile some time with a walk. I strolled along 125th street looking in the store windows. I made my way to Freida’s antique shop. A lot of my acquisitions come from that shop. Freida, the owner, and I have been friends for several years. I don’t think she’s a fan of my books but she seems to like me well enough. I arrived to find a large crowd blocking the sidewalk. Firefighters were hosing the flaming remnants of the store. Freida stood behind them with her hands on her head and tears on his cheeks. “Freida, what happened?” I asked, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulders. “I can’t believe it. I was talking to a man who was trying to sell me a box. He was handing it to me across the counter when these people came in and dragged him out of the shop. One of them tossed in a flaming bottle as they left and destroyed my place!” Freida began to moan and cry loudly. I know she put her entire savings into that shop. I offered her more sympathies before asking my next questions. “What did the man look like - the one with the box?” “Oh, he was very handsome and his suit must’ve cost a pretty penny. The men who took him were all sharped dressed too. And they talked like they knew him.” “Did those men take the box?” Did they (likely)? 38: maybe “I don’t remember.” Freida’s shop was now a smoldering soggy ruin. The firefighters were busy coiling their hose. The idea to run into the shop reached my brain a moment after I started to move. Spot hidden: fail I looked around for only a second. Almost everything in the place was destroyed. A firefighter kicked me out before I could take a good look around. I wished Freida the best and walked back home. I guess the thug who robbed me was just trying to make a buck, but his enemies got him. Maybe they took the box or maybe it and whatever was in it was destroyed in the fire. Either way, I’m out of luck. Mythos Points: +2 5 PM Story direction: 73: danger Danger: 3: Someone is stalking you Verbs: 58: belittle, 52: beautify, 43: ban Is it someone I know (possible)? 82: yes Luck: success I was sitting here opening another pack of smokes and waiting for the phone call. I was ignoring some records I’d put on and staring out the window. Standing at the light on my corner was a figure. I’d noticed him when I left Freida’s and he followed me here. To my surprise, I saw Freida. She waited for the light to change besides the mysterious figure before heading to my building. I saw the stalker follow her, but by the time she knocked on my door, he was already back at his post. “You know there used to be gentlemen in Harlem,” Freida stated as she entered the apartment. “This guy outside just called me every name but a child of God when I told him he couldn’t follow me into the building. Can you believe that?” “No, I can not,” I replied by pouring a cup of coffee from the still-warm pot I’d made for myself. “He didn’t say anything else to you, did he?” Freida took the coffee and I noticed that she’d changed her clothes from earlier. She now wore makeup and smelled like blooming flowers. We paused for a moment and I broke the silence with the opening of my zippo. “No, he didn’t say anything else. Anyway, I’m here because of this.” Freida laid the box on my coffee table and though I had not seen it unwrapped, I knew it was my package from last night. It was a wooden box shaped like a half-moon. A strong rope or string was looped through the middle of the rounded edge and served as a hinge. In the center of the lid a face was carved - smooth almost featureless-while the rest of the box was incised beautifully. “What is it?” I asked. “I don’t know, but it looks African.” “Yea it does.” “After the firemen left, I walked around the shop looking at all the destruction. It looked like everything was destroyed, but then I found the box. Somehow it survived. I remembered that you were a little interested in it and then I remembered that I lent you a couple of books on African art a couple of months back, so…..” I was a little embarrassed then but was very excited at the possibility of having the answer to my question somewhere on my shelf. Library use: success We spent the next hour combing through the books, comparing photos until we found the one. We learned that on my coffee table sat a Kuba Tukula Box. Made by the Kuba people of the Congo. Ours seemed to be about 40 or so years old by Freida’s estimate. When we opened it, we expected it to be filled with red tukula powder, but we were surprised at how packed it was. After some excited chatter, I told Freida about the mugging and the exchange that was happening later in the night. She seemed hesitant to give me the box. “Listen, Ben. These people destroyed my livelihood. That shop meant everything to me, and now this box is all that’s left of it. So I think I at least deserve to know what it is and who wants it so badly.” Something in Freida’s eyes told me that there was no refusing her. I told her about the expected phone call and promised to call her when it did. Freida poured herself some more coffee and leaned back in the chair. I looked out the window at the man on the corner before making myself comfortable. Mythos Points: +2 10:30 Story direction: 1: downtime Downtime: 5: left undisturbed. Freida and I had a good time listening to music and chatting as we finished the pot of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. I almost forgot about the phone call, her shop, and the missing Harvey Walters. Mythos Points: 0 Midnight Story Direction: 62: Danger Danger: 86: an attempt on your life City Location: 61: shop
submitted by MikeyWit to Solo_Roleplaying [link] [comments]


2020.05.31 15:56 handsomeboh Guide to Advanced Game Starts: Counter-Intuitive Openings

Guide to Advanced Game Starts: Counter-Intuitive Openings

Gothic Invasion right before I annex Austria

This is a detailed guide for mid-level players which explains how to pull off some of the more counter-intuitive early game moves for many nations. This screenshot is from my Gothic Invasion run (conquer all Germanic culture provinces as Theodoro without changing culture / tag) which uses the East Frisia -> HRE Start. Nothing here is new and you may well know all of these already, but it does consolidate all the different versions you might be able to find from Googling. Some of these moves may seem a bit cheesey, so be warned, and feel free to add anything I've missed.



Easy: Byzantium Vassal Start: Recommended for Christian majors (Aragon, Austria, Lithuania, Poland), also useable for non-Christian majors (Crimea, Kazan, Tunis, Mamluks) This strategy is designed to cripple the Ottomans at game start by vassalizing Byzantium and dragging you and all your allies into a Defensive War.
  1. Build to force limit and pray for a good siege general from your rulers. Ally as many large nations as you can and then declare a no-CB war on Byzantium.
  2. Byzantium will most likely have Serbia as an ally, sometimes Circassia. What you do next depends on whether you are a land power or a naval power.
  3. Land: You want to start by sieging the capital of the ally, then peacing him out for money, before marching straight to Byzantium. You may have to improve relations with Ottos for military access, and this becomes problematic and may require restarts if they refuse to give it to you.
  4. Sea: You start by landing in Morea, but make a move on Constantinople quickly before the Ottos siege it.
  5. Before you capture Constantinople, check if Ottos have declared on Byzantium yet. If they have not, then move your troops in and out of Constantinople until they do.
  6. Move your troops to a safe location preferably in your allies' territory, and then annex Athens while vassalizing Byzantium. This will drag you and all your allies into a war with Ottos. Two good allies like Austria / Venice / Hungary / France / Muscovy / Mamluks can very easily destroy Ottos.
  7. At the end of the war, return cores to Byzantium, and also grant them Athens as a province since it's their core. You can now play the rest of the game having destroyed the Ottomans and picked up a great and loyal vassal.


Easy: Bohemia PU Start: Recommended for Christian HRE majors (Austria, Bavaria), also useable for non-HRE Christian majors (Denmark, Castille, Aragon) This strategy uses the fact that Bohemia starts as an interregnum, which historically occured when the Habsburg King Albert of Hungary, Bohemia, and Austria died while his son was still unborn in the middle of the Catholic-Hussite upheaval in Bohemia. The Hussite nobles refused to accept his unborn son as King, and elected one of their own from the z Podebrady family.
  1. If you are not in the HRE, restart until Bohemia rivals Austria.
  2. Do NOT engage in any of the estate mechanics which lower your prestige. You are going to need all the prestige you can get. In fact, you may want to declare war on a weak rival, or anyone around you weak enough to beat up just for prestige. Forcing them to End Rivalry nets you a healthy amount of prestige.
  3. Improve relations and royal marry Bohemia as soon as you can. Then wait until your dynasty comes to the throne. You have a very short window before the event kicks in and a z Podebrady noble is elected to the throne. In that window, you must Claim Throne and declare war on Bohemia.
  4. This may not be an easy war, but remember that your goal is to capture Prague so aim for that above everything else. Once successful, you now have the second most powerful country in the HRE and an elector under PU with yourself.
  5. I would caution that for most countries taking the Byzantium start is likely better as Ottos tend to be a much more severe long term threat, and both give you a strong vassal.


Medium: Nuke Muscovy Start: Recommended for hordes bordering Muscovy (i.e. Kazan and Great Horde) can also be done after a few years as Crimea and Nogai This strategy aims to destroy Muscovy before it annexes Novgorod and snowballs into Russia by using your horde advantages despite your much smaller army. As Crimea or Nogai, it can be done after going to war with Great Horde and still follows broadly the same strategy.
  1. Use your horde estate mechanics for additional manpower and 5k cavalry. Pray for good generals and split your force into two equal stacks.
  2. Declare war on Muscovy some time into his war with Novgorod, this will give you time to send one stack (with your siege general) directly to Moskva. Your other stack should hang around Kasimov and snipe smaller enemy stacks. Always aim to fight in grasslands or steppes, and at this stage never engage any enemy you do not outnumber at least 3:1.
  3. Once Muscovy has been sieged down, your goal is to gain warscore. To do this, you need to focus on liberating your own territories and killing Russian stacks.
  4. There's no need to get too greedy here, but aim to take Moskva, and either Mozhaisk or Nizhny Novgorod (or both) to make your next fight easier.
  5. A variant of this is uniquely possible for Oirat in which you attack Ming instead at game start.


Medium: Swahili Coast Grab Start: Recommended for African countries in the Kongo region (Kongo, Kuba, etc) and Great Lakes (Rwanda, Burundi, Karagwe, etc) region This strategy aims to mitigate the largest problem of starting in these regions: the lack of Feudalism institution, as well as the isolation and stagnation when there is no one else to conquer. Spending thousands of mana points trying to force develop it in your own provinces is expensive and slow, so this is a much better way.
  1. Look for a small country on the Swahili coast with no allies (or one weak ally). This is very possible due to the early game rivalry set up, but might need one or two restarts. Your most likely candidates are Mombasa, Malindi, and Pate.
  2. Declare a no-CB war on your chosen country on 11 Dec, taking care that your early game troops are actually vulnerable to native attacks when crossing the no-mans land.
  3. Vassalize your candidate, and take one province to core with. Now you have Feudalism! It is recommended to focus your expansion southwards towards the gold mines of Mutapa, and you can now proceed with a fairly standard Kilwa game.
  4. Unless you're going for the Hoarder achievement, it's probably a good idea to convert to another religion. You actually have two amazing options here. Sunni is immediately available and an all-round great religion. Alternatively, you can head north to pick up Coptic from Ethiopia.
  5. While you might feel very rich, a dominant strategy at this point is to rush colonists in order to colonise South Africa and Southeast Asia, which will make you incredibly rich and also discourage Europeans from attacking you.


Hard: Nuke Japan Settsu Start: Especially recommended for Ryukyu, but also useable by anyone with a decent navy and tributary to Ming (Pangsinian, Tondo, Korea, Donghai, Jianzhou), also useable in a limited capacity as Ming This strategy uses the Enforce Peace mechanic to attack Hosokawa without calling in Ashikaga and the rest of the Japan into the war. It next uses the AI's tendency to underestimate big daddy Ming to conquer Kyoto and shut down Japan (or become the shogun if you're Ryukyu). As Ryukyu you can now begin your own shogun vassal swarm and aim for the Three Mountains achievement, for everyone else, it gives you an amazing expansion opportunity into a very rich region and slingshots your ability to spawn the Colonialism institution.
  1. Start improving relations with Kono, Amago, and Tsutsui, these are the most likely targets for Hosokawa to attack once the Sengoku era begins. Build some galleys.
  2. Closely monitor the progress of Hosokawa's invasion. Using gifts or any other interaction, bring your relations with the target of Hosokawa's invasion to +100.
  3. You can now Enforce Peace on Hosokawa, which they will reject, and you are now at war with Hosokawa without the rest of Japan.
  4. Move fast to capture Settsu, using the fact that your combined fleet likely gives you an edge in the siege. You can quite comfortably full annex Hosokawa in this way.
  5. Pull your troops back to your homeland and start spying on Ashikaga, fabricating a claim on Kyoto. DO NOT ever insult Ashikaga, as this will make him declare a Diplomatic Insult war on you. Make some allies with decent navies, and do your best to ally Ainu.
  6. If you're lucky (or you're Ryukyu), you can core the Hosokawa provinces before Ashikaga declares war on you. If you do this, you can full state these provinces and culture switch to a Japanese one (possibly unstating some of your own provinces).
  7. Eventually Ashikaga will declare on you for Settsu, which will drag in Ming your protector (and your other allies).
  8. Use your navy in tandem with Ming to snipe the Japanese navies. Do this in parts, engaging at first off the coast of China before moving slowly towards Japan itself. This will ensure that you do not fight the combined Japanese fleet all at once, which you will lose.
  9. Once you have cleared the seas, Ming will land in the Kyushu region. By this time, Ashikaga should also have annexed Ainu, this is good.
  10. To help him out, land your forces in Hokkaido, which will cause the Japanese to either split into half or head north, allowing Ming to siege the south of Japan in peace.
  11. Eventually you'll be able to peace out, taking Kyoto and some provinces in Hokkaido (to give the colonial range for discovering America and spawning Colonialism).
  12. If you were lucky and have Japanese culture now, before peacing out Ashikaga for Kyoto, you will need to take the Independent Daimyo reform which will cost you 10 corruption. When you capture Kyoto your capital will move there and all of Japan will become your vassals, also giving you the Shogunate reform which is the single most broken thing ever and will give you a very easy time at World Conquest.
  13. Otherwise, by taking Kyoto, all the daimyos now become independent nations and you can wipe them up and conquer Japan for yourself.


Hard: East Frisia -> HRE Start: Recommended for OPMs in Europe (Trebizond, Albania, Theodoro, Odoyev, Navarra) This strategy uses the fact that East Frisia is an independent OPM which is not in the HRE. Historically, East Frisia was ruled by a group of fiercely independent chieftains which only joined the HRE in 1465, and then resisted every attempt to impose a foreign ruler. One cannot be too large to join the HRE, so this works best for small OPMs.
  1. Restart until East Frisia either has no ally, or one relatively weak ally. Someone like Gelre, Friesland, or Utrecht. Then build to force limit and pray for a good siege general from your rulers.
  2. Declare a no-CB war on East Frisia on 11 Dec.
  3. Improve relations with everyone you need to get to East Frisia. There is no need to beeline there straight away, in fact, if you make your way there slowly, there's a very good chance that the ally (rarely East Frisia himself) will start a naval invasion of your capital, this is a good thing.
  4. Stackwipe your enemies (not hard since East Frisia usually only has a 5k stack). If you're having trouble with that, wait until you have Mil tech 4, you're in no rush anyway. If you're lucky, the ally would now be sieging your capital and you don't have to worry about them. Instead, peace out the ally as soon as possible while leaving one unit in East Frisia to prevent him from building more troops, and other countries from capturing him.
  5. There's a very good chance someone else has declared on East Frisia in this time. If no one has, move your troops in and out of the province until someone does. But since you're there first, you will be the siege leader. Most of the time this will be Friesland or Munster, possibly with Oldenburg as an ally. It is imperative that somebody else declares war on East Frisia as you will not have the coring distance to annex East Frisia otherwise.
  6. Once you capture East Frisia, vassalize him, launching you into a Defensive War. Once you win that, take one province (otherwise you get too much AE), and core that province. For the next 10 years, improve relations with everyone, but Austria in particular. You can pick up some solid HRE allies like Brunswick, Brandenburg, and Hamburg which will discourage anyone from attacking you for a while.
  7. After 10 years, annex East Frisia. Move your capital there, add the province to the HRE, and you can now complete the campaign as a Dutch 2 province minor in the HRE with an added random province somewhere else in Europe! From here, I would switch culture to Dutch asap to prevent the Dutch Revolts, and if your achievement allows it, form Netherlands (can be done for the Albania or Iberia achievement, but not the Gothic Invasion one).
  8. I like this a lot more than the Ireland exodus since it gives you a better starting position, and allows you to keep your starting province safe. It seems way too cheesy to be playing a Trebizond game without actually owning Trebizond!


Bonus: Transferring Subjects This is not strictly a starting strategy, but more a great strategy for anyone with access. The Transfer Subject age bonus allows you to take vassals in a peace deal for half the cost, and this can land you some amazing vassals very early in the game. It is hence imperative to fulfill the early age bonuses (30 dev city and humiliate rival being the easy ones). The best vassals to go hunting for are:
  1. Mongolia (96 dev): Best for hordes, Ming, Korea, Japan Owned by Oirat and unlikely to go independent for quite a while despite being disloyal. As an added bonus, Mongolia has a ton of cores on Oirat, Ming, and Korchin.
  2. Yarkand (60 dev): Best for hordes (especially Uzbek and Oirat), Ming, Delhi, Timurids, Jaunpur Owned by Chagatai and likely to be annexed within 40 years. Grabbing Yarkand as a vassal is excellent because of its gold mines and its mountain forts which would otherwise make attacking it quite a nightmare.
  3. Sweden (119 dev) and Norway (84 dev): Best for European majors playing the RM game - Austria, Poland, France, Castille, Bohemia Owned by Denmark and frequently disloyal, but if you fail to take them they will either declare independence or be annexed by Denmark which then becomes a large pink blob. Taking Sweden requires you to have the -20% province warscore cost from Diplomatic ideas, or you could go for Norway, which doesn't. Either way it cripples Denmark and opens up great expansion opportunities towards Russia.
  4. Naples (91 dev): Best for Mediterranean majors who need to cripple Castille Owned by Aragon, and frequently inherited by Castille, which then uses it to dominate Italy. Taking Naples, unlike any other country on this list, will cause you to accrue a large amount of AE in the region and likely trigger a Coalition unless managed delicately. It will also give you a direct knife to the heart of Europe.
  5. Transoxiana (127 dev), Fars (57 dev), and Afghanistan (47 dev): Best for hordes, Ottos, and Indian majors Owned by Timurids and extremely disloyal, though on occasion they lose the independence war and are retained as vassals. If that happens you don't have too much time since Timurids have cores on the bulk of their provinces and will annex them incredibly rapidly. Honestly I've only succeeded with this once, but if you do see it, go for it.
submitted by handsomeboh to eu4 [link] [comments]


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2017.10.18 17:53 MisterBadIdea2 Match Thread: Qarabağ vs. Atlético Madrid [UEFA Champions League]

Qarabağ 0 - 0 Atlético Madrid

Venue: Baku Olympic Stadium, Baku, Azerbaijan
Referee: Ruddy Buquet (France)
Qarabag:
Starting XI Notes Subs Notes
Ibrahim Šehić Anton Kanibolotskiy
Ansi Agolli Wilde-Donald Guerrier 69'
Rashad Sadıqov Tarik Elyounoussi 85'
Badavi Huseynov 90+3' Jakub Rzeźniczak 71'
Maksim Medvedev 71' Afran Ismayılov
Gara Garayev Ramil Sheydayev
Richard Almeida Rahid Amirguliyev
Mahir Madatov
Míchel 53' 85'
Pedro Henrique 69'
Dino Ndlovu 59' 75'
Manager: Gurban Gurbanov (Azerbaijan)
Atlético Madrid:
Starting XI Notes Subs Notes
Jan Oblak Miguel Ángel Moyà
Filipe Luís Ángel Correa 72'
Diego Godín Augusto Fernández
José Giménez Lucas Hernández
Šime Vrsaljko Thomas Partey 64'
Yannick Carrasco 72' Stefan Savić
Saúl Fernando Torres 72'
Gabi
Nicolás Gaitán 64'
Kevin Gameiro 72'
Antoine Griezmann
Manager: Diego Simeone (Argentina)
MATCH EVENTS
1': We're off!
15': Nothing has happened, just wanted to reassure everyone that I'm still here
25': Gaitan had a shot. Not a good shot, but yes, a shot.
34': Madatov takes a shot and it deflects off of Filipe Luis for a corner
36': Saul had a header. Good set piece, weak shot
39': A SHOT!! An actual highlight! A great pass behind the line to Griezmann, he takes it first touch but Sehic keeps it out!
HT Qarabag 0 - 0 Atlético Madrid That blew. If I was a betting man, I'd put my money on Qarabag honestly
46': We're back
53': Michel slid into Carrasco
53': Griezmann got called for offside but if you ignore that he just put a pretty decent shot into the net
59': Ndlovu got a card for fouling Carrasco
60': Griezmann takes the free kick and Sehic comes out for an easy catch
63': Qarabag starts turning up the tempo but the shot eventually comes from too far out and makes for an easy catch for Oblak
64': Qarabag on the front foot again! Henrique bombs forward but the backline throws him off enough to make him drag his shot wide
64': Partey on for Gaitán
69': Guerrier on for Henrique
71': Qarabag grind their way through the defense again and get a shot off but Ndlovu fires over the crossbar
71': Kuba Rzezeniczak on for Medvedev
72': Correa and Torres on for Carrasco and Gameiro
75': It's a second yellow for Ndlovu for diving!!! Controversial...
84': Sehic spills it!!! Gabi collects it, chips it to Torres and Torres misses his header! He claims he was pushed from behind and on replay it looks like a fair complaint but no call!
85': Elyounoussi on for Michel
90': Oh god so close!!! Sehic tries Route 1, kicks it all the way down the field to Elyounoussi but Elyounoussi's shot is too high!
90+3': Huseynov fouled a player and conceded a free kick but it looks like he got the worst of it, he's being taken off
90+5': The free kick only gets cleared as far as Griezmann and Griezmann fires wide!!! That was the moment.
FT Qarabag 0 - 0 Atlético Madrid Qarabag get their first ever point!
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2016.07.07 19:02 kubadakowicz NEW MEMBER OF ONE DIRECTION?! Kuba Dakowicz - Drag Me Down (One Direction acoustic cover)

Listen to my cover of "Drag Me Down" and let me know if I'm able to become a new member of One Direction! ;)
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2016.06.10 16:34 wvufan44 Euro 2016 Preview - Who wins, who surprises, and the pre-tournament XI

Hey all,
Wanted to share the Euro 2016 preview I wrote. I'm withholding the website so that I don't get in trouble for promoting anything. Hope you enjoy.
Annnnnd we’re back. Sorry for the hiatus everyone; I know that I was dearly missed and can’t imagine the deep, dark recesses of the Internet you’ve been forced to visit in my absence. I also know that among our legions of loyal fans and readers there are at least 3 or 4 who will read a soccer post. With Euro 2016 starting today, that makes it the perfect time to make my first post in a few weeks.
First, a quick bit of background on the tournament. Euro is a national team tournament that’s set up similarly to the World Cup with an extensive qualifying process, a 3-round group stage, and a single elimination knockout stage. The differences are that it consists only of teams from Europe and only has 24 teams qualify as opposed to the World Cup’s 32. Easy enough, right? Let’s get to the fun stuff.
Who will win? Everyone seems to think that it’ll come down to France and Germany, and for once, I agree with everyone. They are the two most talented teams and if they play anywhere near their potential then they should only lose to each other. That’s not to say there aren’t other good teams, but the two mentioned don’t have any of the lingering question marks that plague the rest of the field.
Spain is always dangerous, but is in a weird, between-generations rut and again lack a real focal point up front. Italy will be a tough out just because their defense is so damn good, but their 3 best midfielders are all hurt. Conversely, Belgium is loaded in attack and midfield but is weak at the back. Portugal has the best player in the tournament but the supporting cast, while talented, remains unproven. Even a team like England could surprise some people if they unshackle the younger generation, but they are just so awful at staying out of their own way.
The point is that none of these teams can match France or Germany for overall talent or depth. I think the Germans still maintain a slight edge over the French, if only because they’re 3 or 4 years ahead of them in their developmental cycle. German stalwarts Muller, Neuer, Boateng, Hummels, Kroos, Khedira, and Ozil are all firmly in their primes, where as French stars Pogba, Griezmann, Martial, and Coman are all under 24 and just starting to scratch the surface of their enormous potential. France do have some very good, very experienced players such as Matuidi, Evra, Lloris, and Payet in the supporting cast, but if they’re going to win the young bucks are going to have to do it for them and I’m worried that they may still be one tournament cycle away from being ready to be the best in the world.
Prediction: Germany
Should we expect any surprises? It will be really hard to talk me into anyone besides France or Germany walking away with the trophy, but there are some nontraditional teams worth talking about that can potentially make some noise.
Austria
That’s right. Austria. You probably met this with a smirk, but let me just rattle off some of the dudes that you didn’t know were on this squad. Sebastian Prodl. Christian Fuchs. Aleksander Dragovic. Marcel Sabitzer. Marc Janko. Zlatko Junuzovic. Marko Arnautovic. Did I forget anyone? Oh yea, David fucking Alaba. More on Alaba later, but that’s a pretty decent lineup right? They also benefit from a decent draw so they should expect to be through to the knockout stage, and once you’re there anything can happen.
Poland
The Poles have a slightly more difficult road to the knockouts than these other two, but they also have something that the other two don’t: Bob Lewandowski, Attorney at Law.
Don’t get me wrong, the Poles have a solid all-around squad with players like Kuba Blazcykowkwyzcycyzsokowski, Krychowiak, Lukas Piszczek, Arkadiusz Milik, and Kamil Glik, but this opinion is based solely on the battering ram striker that’ll be leading their line. Lewandowski is one of the best goal scorers in the world, and this game is, and always has been, about getting buckets. He’s the kind of guy who can have 3 touches all game and then win it with a brace in the last 10 minutes. Not a bad guy to have in your team.
Switzerland
The Swiss got a nice draw in Group A, having only to get past Romania and Albania to advance to the knockout round. Beyond that though, they actually have a solid squad and a starting XI with a surprising amount of talent.
Lichtsteiner, Djibouti, Schar, and Rodriguez is a stout back line and Xhaka and Shaqiri will provide creativity in the midfield. If 19-year old Man United target Breel Embolo can turn this into his coming out party then the Swiss could make a nice little run.
Euro XI GK – David De Gea – Spain
A lot of people may cry for Neuer or Buffon here, but this is neither an in-game keepy-uppy contest nor a lifetime achievement award. This is a who’s the best shot stopper in the world contest, and right now the answer is King Dave of House De Gea, First of his name, Stopper of shots, keeper of Clean Sheets, and Warden of the Posts.
Seriously, as a United fan I’ve had a first row seat to watch his development over the past 4 years from an occasional liability to a certified match winner. The man has won our Player of the Season award 3 times running. Big deal, you may argue. United have been shite these last 3 years so that’s not saying much. And while you’re not wrong, if you haven’t watched week in, week out you don’t know just how much worse it could’ve been without Dave between the sticks. We had the best defensive record in the league this season with a back 4 of Chris Smalling, Daley Blind, and a hodgepodge of Academy lads at fullback. That alone might be the biggest testament to Dave’s ability.
RB – Juanfran – Spain
“Football is like a piano: you need 8 men to carry it and 3 who can play the damn thing.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Actually this is a Bill Shankly quote (Google him) but I feel like it holds fairly true. Juanfran is one of the 8 carriers. He’s coming off another near flawless season with Atletico where he barely put a foot wrong and is one of the few high profile fullbacks who are still recognized for defense more than offense. The guy just has a knack for being in the right spot at the right time. Thunderbolt shot that the keeper can only parry? Juan will be there to clear. Bad pass in midfield where 75% of fullbacks these days would be caught out? Fran is right where he should be to break up the counter.
He’s won’t do anything that will blow you away and isn’t the biggest, fastest, or strongest, but he is really damn good at the game.
CB – Jerome Boateng – Germany
Boateng is one of those guys who will blow you away. He’s the biggest, fastest, and strongest and is arguably the best CB in world football right now. He had a relatively pedestrian season by his standards but when you watch Bayern play you can understand why. They possess the ball for 70% of the game, so for 70% of the game Boateng is just chilling, providing an outlet if necessary, switching play when required, and then BOOM!, Bayern will lose the ball and the break is on. Boateng is almost always defending on the break in 1v1 or 2v2 situations, which is a little different than a CB who gets to sit in the middle of two banks of four and clear crosses all game. I just think about it like this: if I had to pick 1 guy to defend with my life depending on it, there’s not too many people I’d pick ahead of this guy.
CB – Georgio Chiellini – Italy
It’s nearly impossible to pick just 1 of the 3 Juventus center backs that double as Italy’s spine in the national team, and Andrea Barzagli and Christian Bonucci are both more than worthy of this spot. If you asked the question of who’s the best to three different people you’d probably get three different answers, so the selection simply comes down to preference. The cop-out move would be to pick someone like Sergio Ramos or Chris Smalling, but I feel like you’d be remiss to have any kind of European All-Star team without atleast one Italian representative on the back line. Chiellini leads the group in both FIFA rating and number of times bitten by Suarez so he gets the nod. Can’t ignore stats.
LB – Ricardo Rodriguez – Switzerland
Very probably should be Jordi Alba based solely on talent, but Alba also has a reputation for being quite a cunt, and since this is my team that’s grounds for dismissal. There’s no room for cunts in this team.
Rodriguez put in another solid season as Wolfsburg’s left back and was a standout player even as the squad had a relatively disappointing campaign. He’s big, fast, disciplined at both ends of the pitch, and has a killer left foot. If the Swiss are going to make a run in this tournament Rodriguez will be a big reason why.
CDM – David Alaba – Austria
The most versatile player in the world, and still only 23. Alaba could probably be world class at any position on the pitch if he practiced it full-time. One of the guys at TheRinger.com did a great piece on him the other day that covers this pretty well, and rightfully discussed how it’s not uncommon to see Alaba as the highest man up the pitch one moment and then be the deepest defender the next. Its truly remarkable, and while there are other players who do a decent imitation, nobody looks quite so comfortable or does it quite so well as David Alaba.
CM – Luka Modric – Croatia
Modric is a metronome, one of those guys like Xavi or Scholes who dictates the tempo of the entire game. He’ll one touch a through ball on the 23rd pass of a possession, or execute some close control instead of clearing on the edge of his own box to relieve some pressure, but it always seems like he makes the right play for the moment. He won’t physically dominate a game but all the best teams have a guy like him.
CM – Paul Pogba – France
The first name on the team sheet. Although Pogba is only 22, he’s already one of the most complete, dynamic players in the game. He’s the Lebron of soccer: 6’3, 185, 12 goals, 14 assists, 3rd in Serie A in dribbles per game, 65 chances created, 3.5 tackles/interceptions per game. Even those numbers don’t do it justice though. Just feast your eyes on the future:
Again, he’s only 22. Pogba can have a game breaking impact at any time and in any area of the pitch. He’s where soccer is headed, and my only hope is that some young American lads see him over the 10 years and think, huh, that’s pretty cool, maybe I could do that. Is it too late to recruit Lebron Jr or Bryce Maximus??
LW – Cristiano Ronaldo – Portugal
Ronnie is arguably entering the twilight of his career and is now deployed centrally rather than out wide, but there’s no arguing that he’s still the best player in the tournament. He contributed 55 goals and 15 assists in just 53 appearances en route to leading Madrid to another Champions League title, and totaled 16 goals and 4 assists in those 12 Champions League appearances. That’s outrageous. Whoscored.com rated him at an 8/10 for the season. There’s probably 3 or 4 guys in this tournament who could drag their team to the final and Ronaldo is definitely one of them.
ST – Robert Lewandowski – Poland
See above. Simply put, Lewandowski is the best finisher in the tournament. Zlatan might have something to say about that, but 39 goals in 42 games speaks for itself.
RW – Thomas Muller – Germany
Der Raumdeuter. The Space Interpreter. The term was coined by Muller to describe the position he plays and it’s no coincidence that it sums him up perfectly. Muller plays in and amongst the defense as well as anyone on the planet and has the uncanny ability to pop exactly when and where he’s needed. He seems to be even better when he pulls on the Nationalmannschaft shirt, with 10 World Cup goals to his name already and 32 total in 71 appearances for Germany. Keep your eye on him for the Golden Boot.
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2014.09.02 18:56 j1xwnbsr [OC] The Year After Next - part 13

Part 13: Influence
Synopsis: Humans are smarter than your average bear alien, and wind up proving it.
Table Of Contents.
“So what do we have here, Lou?” the Collier County Sheriff Bill Preston asked his Deputy as he got out of his patrol car, settling his Sheriff's hat on his balding head.
“Body dump, looks fresh. Rangers found it this morning, kept the gators off while we got here. A day or two and it’d been gone, nobody the wiser.”
Bill shook his head. The ‘Glades were a popular place to dispose of a body - the wildlife took care of things fast, and helped contribute to the below-sixty-percent clearance rate the Sheriff's department were struggling with.
Looking at the body, Bill made a face. “Big-ass gun. Twice in the head, gonna make an id tough unless he’s already in the system.” Examining the ground, he said, “no blood pool. So not the primary scene, great, more jurisdictional crap.” Standing back up, he asked hopefully, “tire tracks?”
“A few, probably ours and the ranger’s, nothing else obvious. Drag marks and blood trail come down from the road, but only far enough for the gators to git hold when they showed up. Either lazy or done this before.”
“Well, get the poor bastard back to the morgue, let the coroner deal with it. Take pictures, and I’ll make a call to try and get the CS people from Naples, so keep an eye on things until they get here.” He looked up and down the empty road. “Doubt we’ll get any rubberneckers, but log’em if we do just in case.”
One of the first problems the Eir crew ran into was a lack of high-capacity power cables; they were not something that had been considered when the ship was being loaded. However, they were able to make do by carefully tearing out some of the bigger wires that Ruxzcon identified as not connected to the habitable part of the ship, and while Kuba was upgrading his relay panel, the rest of the engineering crew commenced connecting the cables.
Seeing that this job was well in-hand and not something he was needed for, Ruxzcon managed to wheedle his way aboard the Eir, saying he wanted to see how Kuba’s relay device was being built, but in reality wanting to see what these human’s own ship looked like. Once aboard, he boggled at how cramped and cluttered everything really was, and how the humans were actually much smaller than he thought, once they were outside of their exo suits.
“You can take off your own suit yourself, you know. As far as we and Haliapro can determine, it should be safe,” the Eir’s Commander, Amanda Mosely, offered, gesturing with one of her hands spread wide. Steeling himself and taking a deep breath, Ruxzcon undogged his own helmet and opened it, the slight difference in air pressure puffing under the edge, bringing with it a cornucopia of smells.
Wrinkling his face, he involuntarily made an “ugh” sound, and then quickly tried to cover it up, but not before the crew aboard noticed. Hegedus said, “ah, yes, close quarters and no laundry service for the better part of a month - lot of sweat and body odor. I guess we stopped noticing it after a while.”
“That, and the plastic and burnt hair smell again. But as you say, I can get used to it. I wonder what you will think of our own area later. But first,” he said, removing the gauntlets on his suit, “I need to do this.” Reaching out and grasping one of Amanda’s bare hands in his own, he shook it. “I believe that is a customary greeting, and one that I am honored to perform.” Amanda’s face split into a wide grin, white teeth a sharp contrasting with her black skin, and shook his hand vigorously, both of them ignoring the odd feeling of each other’s alien skin and bones - or lack thereof - that made up their respective hand structures.
“Yes, yes it is! And welcome aboard the Eir. Kuba you know,” the two also shook hands, and Ruxzcon noted to himself how Kuba’s own short hair and large ears would not be horribly out of place on a Dulutewae, but didn’t say it out loud to avoid offending the short Pole. After Amanda had introduced the alien to each of the medical team that was aboard and they all shook hands, she finished with, “but the other person you have not met is Vega, our pilot.” The bandy Mexican also shook Ruxzcon’s hand, amazingly gentle for someone who looked like he could crush a wrudowth with one hand.
“I understand you have some shuttles on board?” Vega asked, eagerness showing on his round face.
Nodding, Ruxzcon responded, “yes, six, in two separate docking bays. Most look damaged, but once we get power restored we can take a look and see if any are salvageable. I gather you would like to fly one if possible?”
Vega nodded excitedly, and Amanda spoke up, “we both would, actually. I was an Air Force pilot before resigning to take over this job. Vega’s just… better at it than me,” she said, somewhat annoyed to make that confession. “so in this regard I would be his copilot, if we get one working.”
“That would be great - there is nobody left on board that knows how to fly. Most of the passengers are, well, I think the closest would be office workers, with a smattering of craftsmen, artists, and educators.” He pulled a worried face. “One of them is a school group, with some of the parents along as part of a tour package. The rest, one can only imagine what their families are going through back home.”
“Speaking of which, where is home, and how do we contact your people?” Tabitha interjected. She and the others were not prepared for the answer.
“I don’t know where it is - we don’t have a common frame of reference. The navigation charts were on the bridge, so I have no way of knowing where we are in relation to other stars, and even if the main radio dish was able to be deployed, a signal would take years or decades to reach home - assuming I knew which way to point it.” Looking resigned to the fact, he sighed, “it looks like we’re stuck here.”
DEA Agent Leroy Jenkins unpacked the lunch his wife had prepared for him, which consisted of a salad with tiny pieces of chicken sprinkled on it and a banana, all in her attempts to have him lose some weight. Her efforts were currently being thwarted by Leroy's dumping several ounces of blue-cheese dressing on the lovingly prepared repast, from a bottle he had purchased without his wife’s knowledge and kept in the office’s refrigerator.
Opening the current issue of Guns and Ammo, which the office had a subscription to, he began to read about the latest rifles being developed by Ruger, while munching mindlessly away.
Saving the banana for later, he returned his desk after cleaning up and putting the empty container back in his lunch pouch for tomorrow’s refill, and discovered the message light on his desk phone blinking. Listening to the recorded call and frowning, he pulled out a list of phone numbers and dialed one from it.
After Ruxzcon’s somber revelation, Kuba showed him the relay panel he was working on. Explaining the various electrical components, the two of them easily fell into engineer-speak, with Kuba describing the difference between AC and DC current, high voltage power coupling, and the concept of electrical phases.
At one point, Kuba pulled out a tablet and started swiping through the screens, showing Ruxzcon the diagrams he had designed with NASA regarding the device. Leaving the device to float in mid-air while he connected a transformer, it took Kuba a few seconds to realize that the alien was not paying attention to him, and instead was examining the tablet.
“How do you use this?” Ruxzcon said, experimentally poking at the screen, surprised when the display changed. If it wasn’t for the zero-g they were still operating in, he would have dropped it.
Puzzled, Kuba responded, “it’s a touch screen. We can use voice command if you would prefer,” he offered, reaching for it.
Ruxzcon managed to grab it back before he could, and started poking at it some more, rapidly discovering that moving one of his fingers around on the screen caused more actions. Holding it on edge, he peered at it, saying, “how does it work? It’s so thin! Is this more of your quantum magic?”
“Um, no - that’s actually an older model, I still have to charge it every day. Connects to the ship’s wifi, which then routes through NASA. Don’t you have touch screens or something like that?”
“No, our displays are like yours - well, what we saw on your video broadcasts we picked up. So this is not a fluorescent screen? And how are the electronics so small? What is why-fi?”
Pulling his attention away from the toy with a promise that he could play with it later, Kuba got Ruxzcon back to working with him as he explained, to the best of his ability, how LCDs and touchscreens worked, which then diverted into VLSI chips, polymer batteries, networking, and the World Wide Web.
After an hour, the two of them had completed the new relay upgrades, and Ruxzcon’s head was swimming with all this new information. Realizing he could not remember everything he was told, and that Kuba warned him that some things he himself was not 100% sure about and had glossed over if not outright skipped, Ruxzcon asked if he could borrow the tablet device for a while.
“Commander, did they pack any extras?” Kuba asked.
Looking at the master inventory list, she affirmed that they had, but only a few were rigged with quantum power and internet. She agreed to let Ruxzcon have one for use by himself and the others on the Jewel while they figured out what they were going to do, long-term.
“Okay, let’s get suited back up and get this relay panel hooked up, and see if we can’t get the gravity back on. Then we can see about the rest,” Kuba told Ruxcon.
It took the two of them to carefully navigate the panel out the airlock door without damaging anything to it or the Eir. Once in place, they got the rest of the engineering crew to help with hooking the wires up to it, and the startup procedures were one again initiated. This time they were able to get gravity up to just over .7 g and keep it there, on par with Ruxzcon’s original repair job, the extra cables helping spread the load around to avoid overheating and melting their insulating jackets. None of the engineers were happy with the lousy efficiency, but were going to have to live with it until the supply shipment arrived, after which they would be able to put in properly-wired units.
“Well, thats done, now what?” Daniela asked over the com channel.
“I think a little relaxation is in order,” Eustache suggested. “Now that we have the gravity back on and some power going, what about we adjourn to the Jewel and return the favor Ruxzcon did us?” Nobody had any objections to this, and Amanda insisted that Vega go along and bring his guitar, since he had yet to get out of Eir since they arrived.
“How did you know I packed that?” he said, surprised.
“It’s my job, I’m supposed to know. Skedaddle. I’ll keep an eye on things here for a while,” she said, shooing him off the command deck.
Continued in comments… 
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2014.08.11 20:01 j1xwnbsr [OC] The Year After Next - part 9

Part 9: Encounters
Synopsis: Humans are smarter than your average bear alien, and wind up proving it.
The buildup will be slow, but the payoff(s) should be worth it. I'm trying my hardest to keep the science "real" but at the same time "fun", for varying levels of both. The outline makes this look like it will be 20 or more parts.
Table Of Contents.
Commander Amanda Mosely closed her eyes in time with the sound of some of the crew softly saying “shit”, as Peter uttered the words that everyone expected at some point, but were secretly hoping to never hear: We found a body.
Steeling herself, she opened her eyes and swiped the tablet camera display over to Peter’s helmet cam, saying, “okay, show us,” sure that everyone else had done the same, either on their own tablets or the HUDs in their helmet visors. For once, Houston Mission Control was not chattering at them, probably scrambling to conference in other xenobiologists.
The camera jerked as Peter bent down, catching a bit of someone’s Z-2 suit and part of the room, similar to what Kuba had been stumbling around in, and then steadied and focused on a figure lying crumpled against what everyone assumed was a desk of some sort, as if it had been carelessly thrown there, like a child’s discarded toy.
That the figure was apparently a humanoid biped was obvious - four limbs, torso, head - and at first glance in low light it would be easy to assume it was a human being. However, once enough light was provided and Peter moved his helmet cam around to point things out, that assumption quickly vanished.
“Six fingers on each hand - note the bilateral symmetrical arrangement - no thumbs, no obvious finger joints. Overall shape is shovel-like. No apparent wrist, but two elbows. Right arm seems to be damaged, possible broken - maybe internal skeletal structure?”
“Can you get a closer look? The skin looks odd,” asked Daniela over the com channel.
Peter obliged by crouching as close as his suit would allow, and touched the arm, moving it slightly. “Hmm, very stiff, I expect due to desiccation from long exposure to vacuum. It seems like a kind of short nap fur is covering most of the arm. Must be hell on the air systems if they shed frequently.”
Peter shifted and moved his helmet with the attached camera up a little bit. “They do seem to wear clothing - looks like a smock of some type.” The view moved up and over to the head of the creature, which was tilted back over the desk-like structure.
Amanda was sure that the sudden intake of breath among the crew was mirrored back on Earth, as humanity got their first look at the face of an alien lifeform.
The head was round, almost perfectly so, capped with two large ears. The widely set eyes framed what could only be called a nose, but only in the most general sense, consisting mostly of a small bump and two oval holes. Below that was a slash of a mouth, slightly open, and all of this was set on a fairly thick neck. The entire thing seemed to be covered in the same kind of short fur as the arm, with some color variations including a blue stripe down one cheek - if it was a cheek.
Peter reached out to touch the stripe, and smudged it. “Huh. Makeup of some sort?”
“Or maybe something rubbed on it during the accident,” was Daniela’s response over the open channel.
Shining his light at the mouth area, Peter was able to get a better look. “The teeth look flat, no incisor-like structures. Reminds me of horse teeth, perhaps an herbivore? If so, they had pretty strong jaws if all that is muscle,” referring to the head and neck area. He stood up and moved back a bit to get a look at the rest of the body.
“Torso looks barrel-shaped - the smock appears to be stained, with what, not sure - more makeup? Blood? Or just a typical design pattern? In any case, covers most of the body, reaches mid-leg above the knee joint area, which is reversed from humans. Right leg also appears to be damaged.” The camera paused on this area, and then moved down to the feet.
“No footwear, which may mean nothing. Foot structure is long, with what appears to be three large toes, widely spread, taking up most of the structure. Ankle seems like one big joint.” He then stepped back from the body so that the camera could see more. “Might be digitigrade walkers or jumpers, based on the configuration.
“No obvious outside signs of secondary sexual characteristics, so no idea if male, female, or whatever. Also no idea if adult, child, or even if that applies. Clothing looks patterned, might be relevant, or not. I don't think I can do any sort of autopsy here, and we don’t have the facilities on the ship, so not sure what else to do other than poke at it.”
Amanda shook her head before realizing only Vega could see her. “Leave it alone. We don’t know what their culture says about dead bodies, and anything we do might be construed as offensive. Drop a beacon there so we can find it later, but I have a bad feeling we’ll find more.”
After storming out of the bar, Mark Wittenburg drove home, but not after first stopping by a local convenience store to pick up more beer. Slamming the twelve-pack down on the kitchen table of his ratty little apartment - the only thing he could afford these days - he turned on the TV, hoping to catch the Jets playing. With only the limited-access more-basic-than-basic cable that came with the apartment, all he could get was Fox Sports. As the Jets continued to lose, he drank more beer and got more and more angry about the treatment he had received earlier.
Goddamn queer loving assholes! he raged to himself. Fucking military shits, thinking they are better than the rest of us, always sticking up for each other! During a pause in the game, Mark almost crushed the bear can in his hand when the commentators asked each other if they thought the Eir crew was watching.
Fumbling for the remote, he savagely smashed the buttons to change the channel. Click. Eir. Click. Aliens. Click. Commercial for new Tesla that he could never afford. Click. Lawyer show. Click. Wait.
What did that asshole say? That bitch is married to a lawyer? Dropping the remote, he fumbled the phone out of his pants, its screen cracked, but still working. Squinting drunkenly at it, he was able to pull up the Wikipedia page on Eir, and then navigate to Commander Amanda Mosely’s bio page, and then her wife’s. Staring at the picture of the smiling freckled redhead, his anger fanning anew, his only thought was Fucking bitch gets that and I have nothing? Continuing to drink beer and scroll through the pages, he saw where she worked as his anger continued to burn.
Ships Engineer First Class Ruxzcon d’Lerf was getting more and more frustrated with the door to the engine and power systems, and the constant humming and random bleeps of the suit’s radio were not helping. He had taken to turning the radio’s volume down as low as was reasonable, with instructions to Zoubhise to talk loudly if he needed him.
His most recent cutting tool was sitting on his workbench after it had failed to do much of anything other than scratch the paint, and he was currently trying to rig up an arc welder in hopes of cutting through the door. Right now his problem was, as with everything else, an issue of power, and as such, he had taken some of the batteries he had originally scavenged for the passengers and was planning to rig them and the welder on his cart, currently sitting with him in his workroom.
Adding to the problems was that his suit was starting to get worn in a few places, which meant that he was forced to take the time to repair it. Fairly simple work, it didn’t require much concentration, so he had a music player turned on, listening to a radio broadcast that they had recorded about 30 light years out, albeit with some minor interference.
“Coming up next is a song that’s been moving up the charts since last year. I’m Casey Kasem, and you’re listening to the American Top Forty.
Ruxzcon unconsciously twitched his ears as the musical jingle signaled the break to commercials - it seemed like everyone was always trying to sell something, no matter the species. The recording extolled the virtues of the new Mazda, whatever that was, as he continued to work.
The two teams continued to explore the ship, and eventually discovered more bodies, some solo, some in groups of two or more. All were dressed in the same style of smock-like clothing in different patterns and apparent styling, and a few showed signs of extreme trauma. Only the medically-trained crew seemed impervious to the visuals, and the rest avoided looking at them as much as possible.
As the two-hour limit started to approach, they had managed to probe further into the ship, but not found anything living as of yet. However, there was evidence of drag marks on the flooring, in addition to what looked to be empty holes where equipment had been removed and things pushed aside, all which made them extra-careful of running into survivors.
The artwork that was still fastened to the walls in places got Houston excited, and Kuba had stopped to take better pictures of them several times for them.
“Why would there be artwork in a space ship?” wondered Tabitha.
Eustache shrugged in his suit before saying over the open channel, “maybe it’s a long flight and they like nice things.”
“Well, I don’t think its military for one thing,” Hegedus commented. “I haven’t seen anything that looked like a gun or weapon, and none of the clothing looked like it had holsters or places for them. And the doors don’t look like what I would expect - wouldn’t you have pressure doors and bulkheads like a submarine, if you were a fighting ship in space?” Nobody could strongly dispute the observation, unless they fought with invisible weapons or didn’t care about dying in battle.
One room they found turned out to have a store of what appeared to be books, which excited everyone. A few were gathered for study later, which prompted Vega to wryly comment that he hoped they were not the equivalent of Twilight.
At the two-hour mark, Elsa grabbed the handle of a door and tried to open it, but it wouldn’t budge. “Samuel, give me a hand, will you?” With both of them pushing, they tried to open the door but nothing happened. “Do you feel that?” she asked him. Placing his hands flat on the door, a vibration came through his gauntlets.
“Aye, what the ‘ell?” Leaning forward until his helmet contacted the door itself, he could hear a rhythmic noise coming through it. “There’s something thumping on the other side!”
“Everyone quiet!” Amanda ordered over the channel, and put on a set of headphones. “Samuel, keep your helmet in contact with the door and try not to breath so I can hear.” The only other sound that could be heard was everyone’s excited breathing as she played with the audio mixer on her tablet, filtering out and amplifying.
“Is that… music?” she whispered.
Continued in comments. 
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2013.12.29 23:01 lapsaroundthesun [FORHIRE] Original music, sound design, foley, and artistic acoustic arrangement for films, audiovisual projects and any media.

Greetings to all.
Im a musician, music producer, sound designer, sound engineer and multimedia artist who is also very passionate about Bitcoin and what it means for this world.
I have experience in several markets spanning from London, Warsaw, Budapest, Moscow, Caracas, Rome, Buenos Aires and Sao Paulo.
Here is demo-reel 2012 (2013 coming soon) :: http://youtu.be/X6R-XUo5obg
My website :: www.lapssounds.com
Contact email :: [email protected]
Please visit my website for a wide range of examples of my work as engineer, music maker and sound designer. Below, the credits of my work in the period 2008 - 2012.
Rates will be discussed depending on the project. Details on payments and rates will be arranged privately during the pre-production of the project. Payments will be made via Jobs4Bitcoins escrow service.
Hope you like my work!
Good luck and I wish you a very happy new year! May 2014 be great a crypto year!
COMPOSITION, PRODUCTION, ENGINEERING AND SOUND DESING – 2008 - 2013
  • VOTA EL 8D - HENRIQUE CAPRILES RADONSKY - Caracas, Venezuela (October 2013) Original score, production and sound design for the 5 Video animation series “VOTA EL 8D” released by Animaciones Mantequiulla and produced for the Presidential Candidate Henrique Capriles Radonsky. http://youtu.be/c_quBE1QupQ
  • DRAG N DRAPP - HALLUCINATION FILMS - Budapest, Hungary (September 2013) Original score, production and sound design for the spot animation “Drag N Dapp” produced by Hallucination Films. http://youtu.be/ilNkKtPuJCM
  • DISCRIMINATION TRAILER - HALLUCINATION FILMS - Budapest, Hungary (May 2013) Original score, production and sound design for the trailer for the documentary “Discrimination” produced by Hallucination Films. The film is currently in production. http://youtu.be/qC1FFrm-CGs
  • GRISON RINCON DETECTIVE ELECTORAL - ANIMACIONES MANTEQUILLA - Caracas, Venezuela (June 2013) Original score, production and sound design for the animation “Grison Rincon, Detective Electoral” released by Animaciones Mantequiulla. http://youtu.be/1oSPnVxgzLQ
  • EL MODELO ECONOMICO CHAVISTA - ANIMACIONES MANTEQUILLA - Caracas, Venezuela (February - April 2013) Original score, production and sound design for the animation “El Modelo Economico Chavista” released by Animaciones Mantequiulla. http://youtu.be/4MZ3CS0kxc8
  • GALUS GALUS - AWA PRODUCTIONS - Caracas, Venezuela - (October 2012 - January 2013) Musical composition and sound design for selected scenes of the short film “GALUS GALUS” directed by Clarissa Duque. This film was presented in the Cannes Film Festival 2013. https://vimeo.com/59519544
  • SILESIA REGION PROMOTIONAL VIDEO – Katowice, Poland – (July –August 2012) Original score, production and sound design for the promotional video of the Silesia region in Poland. Directed by Matylda Salajewska. http://vimeo.com/52972096
  • SERIES “SKYSCRAPERS ATTACK” (Canal +) – Warsaw, Poland – (May– June 2012) Sound design and music arrangement for the first three episodes of Canal+ series “Skyscrapers attack” directed by Kuba Scheznhy. Aired in Poland during the period June – July 2012. https://vimeo.com/43851482
  • “NARROGIN” DOCUMENTARY (Canal +) – Warsaw, Poland – (April – May 2012) Original score and sound design for full length Canal+ documentary “Narogin” aired during the period April May 2012. http://youtu.be/d-qD03kYYk0
  • “ALESSANDRO BENETTON BLOG” PROJECT - Treviso, Italy – (March 2012) Sound Design and mixing for the project “Alessandro Benetton” blog by www.fabrica.it.
  • MUSIC FOR DAVID KOMA COLLECTION LONDON FASHION WEEK 2012 – London, England – (Jan 2012) Music for David Koma London Fashion Week Collection AW 12 13. http://youtu.be/ZjJgcrj6EK8
  • IMAGE VIDEOS SEINNOVA – Madrid, Spain – (December 2011 - May 2012) Music and Sound design for the web image of www.seinnova.es directed by Victoria Fernandez. http://youtu.be/q5TCiCFmsGQ
  • SHORTFILM “MESSAGES” – Paris, France – (August 2011) Musical remix and sound design for the short film “Messages” by Pablo Pastor. https://vimeo.com/29726419
  • ID ‘MES DEL VECINDARIO” NICKELODEON JR – Buenos Aires, Argentina – (July 2011) Original score and sound design for the ID “Month of the Neighbourhood” for Nickelodeon Jr. Directed and Animated by Victoria Fernandez. https://vimeo.com/25040925
  • TAKK! PROJECT – Katowice – Poland (June 2011) Music and Sound design for the art project TAKK! Audiovisual Project by Matylda Salajewska. https://vimeo.com/29259193
  • SHORTLISTED FINALIST FOR THE “IMAGE EU CONGRESS OF CULTURE” – Wroclaw, Poland (May 2011) Original score and performance of the ID “EU Congress of Culture”. Directed by Matylda Salajewska. http://youtu.be/XGsQQiiODeU
  • AUDIO IMAGE FOR PHILLIPS POLAND – Warsaw, Poland – (December 2010) Music and sound design for an internal brand awareness campaign for Phillips Poland. http://soundcloud.com/lapssounds/phillips/
  • INTERNAL CAMPAGIN AXE POLAND – Warsaw, Poland – (May 2010) Music and sound design for the making-off documentary of an “Axe” spot in Poland. http://youtu.be/sE2jUFcKvh0
  • ART PROJECT “TRANSFORMERS” – Katowice, Poland – (September 2009) Music and sound design for the art project “Transformers” made by Polish artist Matylda Salajewska. https://vimeo.com/6437980.
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STUDIO RECORDINGS – 2008 - present
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